Non-Reactivity Practice for Parents
From Reactive to Responsive : A Mindful Parenting Practice
1.24.25 | 7-10 minutes
I was cleaning the kitchen for what I swear was the fiftieth time in one day last week and I was working myself into getting good and mad. I was thinking how I would have some very choice words for the next kid that messed anything up in the effort of feeding themselves. I was fantasizing about lining them up and channeling the menace of Carol Burnett in Annie, “You’ll stay up till this dump shines like the top of the Chrysler Building!” Luckily, it was my bedtime soon after, so I didn’t unleash my mad on anybody. But in that moment, I was primed to lash out.
The next morning, in the calm and quiet, I had a laugh at my Carol Burnett image and thought about how glad I was that I didn’t unload on anybody. I also realized that I had the perfect tool in my toolkit to address my feelings in that moment. I used to lean on it all the time when I was learning to be better at pulling myself out of these difficult parenting moments, and it’s still just as helpful as it ever was. I’m excited to share it in hopes that it serves others as well as it has me.
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A Lovely Mindfulness Practice with a Terrible Name
This is based on a practice called BRFWA (pronounced “bur-fwa”) from Kirpalu Center for Yoga & Health, but don’t worry, you don’t have to be into yoga to benefit from it. I first ran across a work-oriented version of this on the Calm App as a non-reactivity meditation from Chibs Okereke, whose material I always appreciate. BRFWA is an acronym that stands for Breathe, Relax, Feel, Watch, Allow. It’s an amazing mindfulness practice that can be adapted for any number of situations, and is wonderfully suited for addressing those reactive states that it’s so easy to get into while parenting.
Try It
BREATHE – Slow down and take full, comfortable breaths. Notice the sensations of breathing, and if you’d like, extend your exhales for added ease. In my family, we call these extended-exhale breaths hot cocoa breaths because we like to breathe out through lightly pursed lips as though we’re blowing on a hot drink to cool it. But you can use any breathing practice you’d like, including, you know, just breathing.
RELAX – Scan your body from head to toe, consciously releasing tension wherever you find it—forehead, jaw, shoulders, hands, chest, belly, back, and legs—allowing yourself to settle and be at ease. Again, there is total flexibility here. You can start with your feet instead of your head. I’ve read one practitioner who likes to start with his belly. And if you’re pressed for time, you probably already know where you tend to hold tension. Just hit those spots.
FEEL – Observe any emotions present in your body, wherever and however you feel them. Almost always, when we pay attention carefully, emotions show up physically in our bodies. Maybe it’s a tight ball in your chest, or a sour feeling in your stomach. Whatever it is, simply notice without trying to change or fix anything.
WATCH – Turn your attention to your thoughts, letting them pass through like leaves on a stream. There’s no need to analyze or control them—just observe. If you notice that you’ve been caught in a thought spiral, cycling through the same negative thoughts repeatedly, recognize that you’re not those thoughts and you’re now seeing the spiral from the outside without being caught in it.
ALLOW – Consciously accept all that arises—sensations, emotions, thoughts—without resistance. Recognize that they do not define you; they are simply experiences moving through you. It may be helpful for you to mentally acknowledge each thing you are experiencing—“I’m allowing the tight ball of frustration I can feel in my chest. I’m allowing the thought that my kid never puts on his shoes the first time I ask.”
How you progress through this practice is entirely up to you. If necessary, you can literally pass through all five steps in a minute. Or you could spend several minutes on each one. You can also cycle through the steps more than once; you can repeat as many times as you’re experiencing benefit.
Reaching for Non-Reactive Parenting
When I think about being reactive, I think of those many situations in which family life is coming at me as fast (or faster) than I can process. And instead of choosing the response that feels aligned with the parent I want to be, I’m just reacting to what’s in front of me from my current state, whatever it might be. We’re all going to land here occasionally (or often), sometimes with unfortunate results.
None of us really wants to yell at our kids like Ms. Hannigan.
I do want to be careful not to set up responsiveness and reactivity as opposites where one is good and one is bad. In general, moralizing this stuff isn’t helpful for us, and there are definitely situations in which we don’t have time to deliberate responses. We need to just react and move forward. Having said that, however, when we’re trying to work with kids who aren’t cooperating, it’s easy to get ourselves worked up, just like I did that night in the kitchen.
We can get into these mental spirals where we’re hyper-fixated on all the issues, whatever they are, and every time we cycle again, repeating all the things we’re distressed about, we’re escalating and growing the problems in our heads until we’ve generated a big head of steam. In that mental state, it’s super easy to jump into a reactive mode and snap off the head of the next person who has the temerity to speak to us.
Add in wakeful nights, hunger, and basically all of the self-care we put off while caring for our kids first, and it gets even easier to get into this mental space.
This is the perfect time to reach for this practice. It’s designed exactly to help us step out of the spiral of reactivity. Notice that the purpose isn’t to fix anything or to change our mood. It may do that. But it’s important not to focus on that, because feelings and thoughts that are pushed away often get bigger. That’s why allowing ourselves our experiences is an entire step here.
So the actual goal of this practice is to pull us out of the mental chaos and give us a bit of space. When we’re caught in the storm, it’s easy to over-identify with the thoughts and feelings of that moment. As we become better at observing the thoughts and feelings, we can see them, essentially, from the outside without being caught in them. This distance gives us the space to be more responsive and less reactive. It may not sound like much. But it’s everything.
How to Use This Practice to Be Less Reactive
Here’s the thing, though, if we want the benefit of this practice available to us in the difficult moments, we need to, well, practice. It’s not likely to be very helpful to just bookmark this on our phones and hope we’ll remember to reach for it the next time we’re rage cleaning the kitchen at ten pm. It’s much better to run through this whenever we can find a little time for it. Once a week, once a day, whatever works. Especially when I’m feeling extra stressed—think first week back to school—I tend to run through it every morning before I get my kids up. There may not be much going on for me then, but I’m practicing so that it will be there for me when I need it.
So let’s say that we’re practicing when we have space, but we’re still not managing it in the moments that we really need it. The most common issue with trying to disrupt reactivity is that it’s just really not easy. There’s nothing you can set a timed reminder for; it’s an in the moment thing. And for those of us not only parenting neurodivergent kids, but who are neurodivergent ourselves, catching ourselves in front of the impulse to respond reactively can feel almost impossible.
First, recognize that this feels hard because it is hard. If possible, try to be gentle with yourself. It’s really ok. Please note that I have already been using this practice for years and I still not only get reactive, but I also forget that I have a practice that will help me disrupt the reactivity. That’s when it’s time for me to extend to myself a little parental self-compassion. And I will suggest, with only the tiniest bit of sarcasm, what a great opportunity for me to use this lovely practice to accept and process my feelings of being frustrated with myself for still being a very imperfect parent!
And When We’ve Missed Our Moment
Since it is so difficult to catch ourselves and remember to use a practice like this one, we’ll have plenty of missed opportunities. When this happens, consider the practice after the fact. When, like my kitchen incident, we realize later that we might have benefitted from this practice in the moment, we can replay the whole thing and see ourselves using the practice. We can put ourselves back in the headspace of the moment as much as possible, and then take ourselves through the practice. If nothing else, this gives us more practice with BRFWA as a non-reactivity practice.
But it’s actually doing far more than just giving us more practice. It’s taking us back through our challenging experience and working to create the mental association of when this practice is most useful. Neurons that fire together wire together—over time, we’re actually re-wiring ourselves away from impulsive reactivity and towards leaning into the balanced responses we want to make.
In my mind, this is one of the biggest benefits of this practice. Sure, it helps us create a little mindful distance to deal with difficult moments. In the short term, BRFWA helps us ride the waves of our emotions more effectively, experiencing them without being ruled by them. But in the long run (and I do mean long—years), it’s doing much more. It helps us to actually become less reactive as we literally re-wire ourselves away from reactivity and towards the responsiveness we want to have with our loved ones.
Learning to pause and create space between emotion and reaction is a skill that takes time, patience, and practice. Some days, we’ll remember to use this tool; other days, we might only realize afterward that we could have. That’s okay. Every time we practice, whether in the moment or in reflection, we’re strengthening new pathways in our brains, making it easier to respond rather than react. Over time, this practice doesn’t just help in tough moments—it transforms the way we show up as parents, allowing us to meet challenges with more calm, clarity, and compassion, both for our children and for ourselves.
